Jokes are us

[3040Krag]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[3040Krag]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well", she said, "that may be OK in California , but we're not having any of that shit in Minnesota .

[Nightwatch]

[rockingmtranch]

Hey now

[Nightwatch]

Hey now

it reminds me the "Larry Sanders" TV series. Have you, or anyone else , watched it? There was a guy there, Hank, one of the showmen, he had made this "Hey Now!" his signature call. Very funny and insightful series.

[rockingmtranch]

Never watched it. It sounds familiar though.

[Nightwatch]

It's really a very funny show. This is a Utube link to a couple of short clips from the show.
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_q ... nders&aq=f

[rockingmtranch]

(I remember that show now Nightwatch. Never really got into it though.)

A distraught young man met his Mother-in law on the street. She asked, "Tommy, you seem so down in the dumps, what's the matter?

" I was out of town on business," he told her, " and I E-MAILED Shirley that I would be coming home on Tuesday, instead of Wednesday. When I got to town I went straight home as fast as I could, and when I got there I found her in bed screwing with my best friend." Tommy then broke down into uncontrollable tears. The Mother-in-law considered the problem for a couple of moments, then shrugged and said, "Maybe it's not entirely her fault. Did you ever think that maybe she never got the E-MAIL?...."

[3040Krag]

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

[3040Krag]

Ok, I can hear the crickets. Sorry! Maybe this one is better:

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children,"she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now,"she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[rockingmtranch]

Both very good

[rockingmtranch]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five
incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back in the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."

[3040Krag]

Ow!

Here's a video, not a joke but a joke skit. Having been a citizen of New Jersey for several years, this video has my approval

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Avw0n9b2o9U

[rockingmtranch]

That is some pretty funny shit right there.

[rockingmtranch]

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys on stage, then dropped the mike on his foot & said, "F*ck me". What happened next will haunt me forever.

[Nightwatch]

Holly crap!
This page is getting better and better.

[3040Krag]

lol, good one rocking!

[Hangman]

I applaud the hypnotist joke, that one's a keeper.

You guys remember the Zone Survival guide right? I was there until It went and persploded on us. The site had translations of stalker jokes, from the game, but I can only remember one.


Of Bolts and Rookies

An old Dutier and a young Dutier were walking the zone, before the old Dutier stops dead and motions to the young one:

"Walk up to that tree and stop."

The young one, respectful of his elder, unhooks his AK and slinks over to the tree without a word, ready to attack, finger on trigger.

The Old Dutier slaps hand on his thigh in elation, and the Young one looks to the Old one for orders:

"I knew they were lying! There isn't an Anomaly there at all!"

[rockingmtranch]

ROFLMFAO!!!!